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“If You Hold a Firecracker Tight Enough, It Won’t Hurt” — And Other Last Words from Local Geniuses

There are certain things you hear in life that make you pause — not because they’re profound, but because they vibrate at a frequency only detectable by bad decisions. Like when a guy named Merle, who smells faintly of lighter fluid and Busch Light, looks you dead in the eye and says:

“If you hold a firecracker tight enough between your fingers, it won’t hurt.”

And in that moment, you realize two things:

  1. Merle is very confident.

  2. Merle is not using all ten fingers.

Let’s Break This Down

🔥 The Theory:

Supposedly, if you hold the firecracker tight, the explosion has “nowhere to go,” so it doesn’t do damage.

🧠 The Reality:

The explosion absolutely has somewhere to go — into your fingers, your medical bills, and your lifelong nickname, “Stumpy.”

This is the same science used by people who once said, “I bet I can jump that creek,” and are now part-metal thanks to reconstructive surgery.

Classic Red Flags of Bad Summer Advice:

  • Begins with: “Trust me, I’ve done this a bunch.”

  • Delivered by someone drinking out of a gas station cup that smells flammable.

  • Contains the word “physics” said with zero understanding of physics.

  • Ends with: “It’s only dangerous if you do it wrong.”

If a man holding a Roman candle says “Hold my beer,” you need to immediately leave the zip code.

Alternative Activities That Don’t End in Urgent Care:

  • Holding sparklers like a normal person instead of like a duel-wielding Jedi.

  • Tossing pop-its at your cousin’s bare feet (classic).

  • Putting Mentos in Diet Coke like the backyard scientist you were born to be.

  • Eating a questionable hot dog and rolling the dice with your gut instead of your fingers.

If You Must Live on the Edge…

Fine. Be a patriot. Be reckless. But at least follow the Firecracker Survival Checklist:

✅ Wear goggles, even if it makes you look like your aunt’s weird boyfriend, Randy.
✅ Keep a bucket of water nearby (for emergencies and drama).
✅ Don't listen to anyone who has more fireworks than teeth.
✅ If someone uses the phrase "blow it out of your hand like in the movies" — fake a family emergency and leave.

Final Thought:

Fireworks are beautiful. Explosions are exciting. But so are all ten of your fingers. And if someone tries to convince you otherwise, kindly hand them the firecracker and take three steps back.

Because here at SimpliPatti, we believe in simple joys, summertime memories, and keeping your hands fully-intact for future high-fives, crafting, and flipping people off -- when necessary for proper traffic signaling, of course.

#SimpliPattiSummer #BadAdviceHallOfFame #TrustButVerifyButMostlyRun

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