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I Tried to Teach My Cat About Cryptocurrency — Here's What Happened

Spoiler: she walked across the keyboard and may now own part of a meme coin.

Like any good millennial with more anxiety than savings, I recently decided to dip my toe further into the murky digital waters of cryptocurrency. But rather than suffer alone, I thought: why not share the knowledge with someone in my house who has even less financial literacy than I do?

Enter: Mittens, my cat. She has no job, no bills, and spends most of her time licking her own butt. In other words, she’s the perfect crypto investor.

Lesson 1: What is Cryptocurrency?

I began by sitting Mittens down and explaining the basics:
"Crypto is decentralized digital money that uses blockchain technology to secure transactions."

She responded by biting a power cord. Which, honestly, is probably what most people should do when they hear about blockchain for the first time.

Lesson 2: The Blockchain

I showed her a diagram of a blockchain. She stared blankly, then pawed at a loose paperclip like it owed her Ethereum. I tried explaining that each block contains a record of several transactions, all cryptographically linked. She sneezed directly on my Ledger wallet.

Conclusion: She understands chains. Just not the kind you can't bat off the kitchen counter.

Lesson 3: Popular Coins

I introduced her to the big three:

  • Bitcoin (BTC) – The granddaddy of them all.
  • Ethereum (ETH) – More versatile, but gives off strong “tech bro” energy.
  • Dogecoin (DOGE) – Started as a joke, much like my financial decisions.

She appeared most interested in Dogecoin, probably because it has a dog on it. I attempted to explain its inflationary supply model, but she walked away and threw up on my rug, which seems like fair criticism.

Lesson 4: Crypto Wallets and Security

I showed her how to set up a digital wallet. She accidentally stepped on the keyboard and somehow generated a 24-word seed phrase that included the word “meow” twice and something that looked like Sanskrit. She may now control an offshore cold wallet in Estonia.

She then sat on my hardware wallet. She is now both the guardian of my digital assets and a warm, furry paperweight.

Final Thoughts: Is My Cat Now a Crypto Expert?

After our three-hour session (most of which was spent with her sleeping in a sunbeam), I can confidently say: Mittens understands crypto about as well as your average influencer. Which, frankly, means she’s ready to start her own YouTube channel and launch a token.

If you hear about $MITTENSCOIN in the coming months, just know: it’s backed by fur, attitude, and a complete lack of regulation.

Rating:

  • Financial literacy: 0/10
  • Vibes: 10/10
  • Ability to land on her feet after a market crash: Still pending

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