Skip to main content

How One Feral Feline Turned His Life Around — And Why He Now Offers Financial Advice

Four years ago, he was living under a bush behind a Waffle House, dodging raccoons and licking discarded hot dog wrappers for sustenance. Today? He lounges on a patio chair like a retired tech billionaire, staring into the distance like he’s about to drop a TED Talk titled “How I Outsmarted the System — and My Humans”.

Meet Maurice. Former alley cat. Current real estate tycoon of cardboard boxes, investor in emotional manipulation, and lifestyle influencer to other neighborhood pets who still simply eat kibble like peasants.

He now enjoys:

  • Two passive incomes (aka two humans who feed him on different schedules and don’t talk to each other),
  • His own house — well, actually, their house — but he lets them stay, and rent-free!
  • And a personal chef who thinks she’s just “opening cans,” but let’s be real — that’s meal prep!

Maurice didn’t claw his way to the top (he was declawed at the shelter, thank you very much). He purred his way there. He found a woman with a soft heart and poor boundaries. He used eye contact, dramatic meows, and a calculated limp to get inside. The rest is history — and fur on the furniture.

Now, he wants you to follow his journey.

Maurice’s Top 3 Financial Tips for Aspiring House Cats  — and Humans):

  1. Never chase anything you haven’t guilted someone else into delivering.
    Hustle culture is for the birds. Or the squirrels. Let them do the running. You conserve energy and meow loudly until the goods arrive.
  2. Turn every inconvenience into a business opportunity.
    Hairballs? Product placement for your organic diet. Scratched furniture? A chance to pitch custom claw-resistant couches. That “cat scream at 3 AM”? Performance art. You’re building a brand.
  3. Find a sugar human and never let them go.
    Loyalty is a currency. So is cuddling at just the right moment. Make them think they chose you. Then slowly take over their Amazon account one treat order at a time.

So the next time someone asks how to get ahead in life, tell them this:

Don’t chase success. Nap on it. Knock it off the counter. Then look them straight in the eye and pretend you’ve never done a thing wrong.

#MeowMadeMillionaire #MauriceKnowsMoney #SimpliPatti


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I Tried to Teach My Cat About Cryptocurrency — Here's What Happened Spoiler: she walked across the keyboard and may now own part of a meme coin. Like any good millennial with more anxiety than savings, I recently decided to dip my toe further into the murky digital waters of cryptocurrency. But rather than suffer alone, I thought: why not share the knowledge with someone in my house who has even less financial literacy than I do? Enter: Mittens , my cat. She has no job, no bills, and spends most of her time licking her own butt. In other words, she’s the perfect crypto investor. Lesson 1: What is Cryptocurrency? I began by sitting Mittens down and explaining the basics: "Crypto is decentralized digital money that uses blockchain technology to secure transactions." She responded by biting a power cord. Which, honestly, is probably what most people should do when they hear about blockchain for the first time. Lesson 2: The Blockchain I showed her a diagram ...
Post a Comment
Read more

I Accidentally Summoned the Saucepocalypse

So, listen. I’m not saying I’m bad at homesteading, but if the zombie apocalypse hits and someone hands me a tomato and says, “Preserve this for winter,” I’m handing it back and asking for a pre-sealed can of SpaghettiOs.   Late last summer in a tragic display of optimism, Pinterest confidence, and a YouTube binge, I decided to can tomatoes for the first time. You know, like our great-grandmothers used to do. With love. And patience. And probably a lot less swearing too. The dream was warm shelves of mason jars glowing ruby red with fresh tomatoey goodness, waiting to become stews, soups, and sauces.  The reality was that my small kitchen looked like someone had been murdered by marinara. Various friends contributed 20 pounds of tomatoes to the cause.  I wanted " a lot" because I assumed they’d shrink like laundry in a dryer. (Spoiler: they don’t. They multiply. Kind like gremlins. Angry, juicy gremlins.) Anywho... Blanching tomatoes means dropping them into b...
Post a Comment
Read more

Conversations with my dog: An exclusive Interview with the fluffy therapist

My dog may be dramatic, slightly unhinged, and have the judgmental stare of a Victorian ghost, but he’s also my best friend. And sure, he can’t actually talk—but if he could, I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it would go:  (BTW,  I gave him a treat as a bribe just in case.) Me: Thank you for sitting down with me today. I know your schedule is jam-packed with barking at nothing and dramatic sighing. My Dog: [Licks own butt.] You’re welcome. I had to cancel a very important nap for this, so let’s make it quick. Me: Let’s get right to it. Why do you bark at the mailman? Every. Single. Day. My Dog: Because he dares to show up uninvited, and then—get this—he leaves. Suspicious behavior. I’m protecting the nation. You’re welcome. Me: Okay, but he’s literally here every day. You know him. My Dog: Exactly. It’s always the ones you think you know. Me: Fair. Moving on. Why do you insist on sitting directly on me even though you’re 60 pounds of pure dog? My Dog: You are my chosen thro...
Post a Comment
Read more