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The One Time I Tried to Be a Morning Person and Accidentally Summoned a Demon — Me!

Some people are morning people, but I am not. I am the goblin that guards the realm of night owls. I gave 5 a.m. a chance, and it rejected me. And honestly? I’m okay with that. So, pass me the coffee -- at noon -- like nature intended.

Here is a diary of my week-long experiment:

Day 1: Ambition, Meet Reality

I set my alarm for 5:00 a.m., laid out my workout clothes, prepped a healthy breakfast, and fell asleep dreaming of being *That* Person—you know, the one who drinks green juice and radiates peace by 6 a.m.

Cut to me smacking my alarm like it insulted my entire bloodline, crawling out of bed like a resurrected Victorian child, and sitting in silence with one eye open, holding a banana like I forgot what food is.

Workout: Cancelled. Mood: Combative.

Did I meditate? No. I stared at my wall and thought about how dang early it was.

Day 2: I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore

I tried sunrise stretching. Spoiler: I almost fell fully asleep on the floor and woke up angry. Also, I made a smoothie, but I forgot to put the lid on the blender. It looked like a fruit crime scene. There was strawberry on the ceiling. The ceiling!

By 8 a.m., I had accomplished nothing but chaos and a new level of stickiness that smells like -- strawberries.

Morning person? More like *mourning* person.  

Day 3: My Cat Judged Me and She Was Right

I sat on my bed in total silence at 5:10 a.m. eating dry cereal with no milk because I was too tired to open the fridge, and I recalled yesterday's incident; I knew pilled milk would start to smell post-accident. My cat watched me the entire time, blinking slowly like, “You good?”

No, oh great fury and whiskered one. I am not.

I also tried journaling. All I wrote was “why.” That was it. One word. Pure despair in cursive like I was in grade school writing on the chalkboard time-and-time-again for old-school punishment at recess.

Day 4: A Brief Glimpse of Hope

Okay, this morning I actually woke up with minimal internal screaming. I made tea, read a book for a while, and even stretched without making any weird creaking or popping noises.

For exactly 12 minutes, I felt like a functioning adult. Then I fell asleep in the shower. Standing up.

I woke up when the water went cold and screamed like I was in a horror movie.

So yeah, still a win… maybe sort of?

Day 5: Who Even Needs Sleep? (Me. The Answer is Me!)

I tried to do a productive morning routine from YouTube. The person in the video was glowing, sipping matcha, and journaling about gratitude.  It was nauseating.  So, I began aggressively making toast and screaming, “WHERE IS THE PEANUT BUTTER?!”

By 7 a.m., I had stress-cleaned my room, cried over an inspirational quote that I found tucked away, and then immediately took a 3-hour nap.

Day 6: The Morning Gremlin Emerges

My work family told me I looked “haunted.”

I answered emails at 5:30 a.m. and accidentally signed one, “Thanks, The Demon.”

Honestly, not even mad. Accurate.

Day 7: Acceptance

I woke up at 5 a.m., turned off the alarm, rolled over, and went back to sleep like a sane person.

All in all, I’ve learned a lot this week. Mainly, that I am not built for early mornings. I am a moon creature. I begin to thrive at 9 p.m. with snacks and chaotic energy—not sunrise meditations and chia pudding.  Yuck!


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